She sits two rows up from you every sunday morning, sunday night, and wednesday night.

She’s always smiling, cutting up, having a good time, and life is always, “So great. I’m truly blessed.”

She never misses, because she loves Jesus, truly.

She knows that He is her Savior, and that she called on His name, and when she gets to heaven, she’ll be in the presence of Jesus.

But she’s stuck now, and she’s not sure why.

She doesn’t see anything that they talk about in church really working out in the monday-friday for her… it’s not applied, it’s not changing anyone she can see…

Even still, she keeps on seeking.

‘Why are people acting differently when they are here, then when they are not?’ She ponders.

She’s wrestled with the fact that when she looks into the mirror, she sees the flaw of the reflection, and she wonders, ‘how could He love me so? A holy God…’

She’s always been in church, since she was a little girl. She was raised by a good family who loved the Lord, and had her at church every sunday, every sunday night, every wednesday night.

She didn’t miss a lock-in, a youth gathering, a ski trip or a world changers mission trip.

She followed all the rules and appeared to be doing everything that everyone else in the building was doing… but when it got quiet, she wasn’t sure that things were really okay…

She dealt with shame, and guilt, and lacked confidence in her being; she lacked confidence that the world noticed her existence.

She never felt good enough, never content and okay to just be herself… constantly striving to earn the approval of and please others around her.

Could anyone see?

Does anyone else feel like she does?

Can anyone help?

She doesn’t think so…

She sees pastors in the pulpit, seeming to preach some kind of perfection, telling her, “you have to try harder, stop sinning, be better…’

But ‘how?’ she asks…

She hears a message through a filter of religion that screams, “Jesus loves you, as long as you _________.”

She sees others her age and they have beautiful smiles, and seemingly perfect facebook and Insta stories… they don’t seem to be able to relate…

So she searches, and searches for authenticity around her…

An authentic church, teaching an authentic gospel, about an authentic Jesus- those that can move past the religiousness…

She longs for authentic relationships that go deeper, that she can be imperfect and loved, chosen and accepted regardless…

Despite the searching all around she begins to settle with the fact that because she cannot find it, it really must not exist…

So she falls, into the trap laid by the enemy… that she’s really just not right.

It’s just her.

She starts to believe it, and she starts experiencing an even darker view of the already present darkness.

She becomes captivated by anxiety and depression, and fear.

So she goes to the leaders at the churches, thinking, “they can help. they have to be able to help.”

But the life and blessing and truth of God’s word didn’t seem to come to meet her; instead she hears affirmed what the enemy whispers to her and about her in the silence…

So she slips further and further, into the darkness.

Never has it been this dark…but she could always see just enough for the next minute, the next hour, the next day. A piercing pinhole light that never fully went away…

She didn’t know how she knew this, but she did: she knew Jesus was there, He was the light, and that He was no longer okay with this.

So she called to Jesus Himself this time… instead of trying to figure it out by herself, or depend on another person who may be closer to God than her to help her, she called to Him.

The Waymaker.

And you know what?

He answered.

He answered her BIG. He answered quickly, and boldly turning on all of the lights that she maybe turned off herself, so she could see so clearly.

So she could see Him and see the spiritual battle that He already won, but that she got wrapped up in, thinking it was all the people, when really, it wasn’t them at all.

She could see the weasel in the Light that taunted her in the dark.

She could finally see that it’s only about Him, it’s always been only about Him.

She’d never left God’s sight, she’s never left His hand, she just somewhere along the way stopped looking up.

---

I believe some of the most hurt, broken-hearted, soul crushed people are in the very four walls of the church.

I believe God wants them restored, healed and made new, and that God’s people are hearing and responding to God’s heart on this matter… that it is only by the power of the indwelling presence of God Himself can these things be truly mended…

Only the power of the Holy Spirit that shakes that stuff out of His temple…

The Holy Spirit is the only One who can fix us well.

So let the church off the hook, and head straight to the foot of the Cross.

---

No matter what may have happened to you at church, in church, by the church or around church people, it’s never been about the people. We war the rulers of darkness, powers, spiritual hosts of wickedness… yes, especially within the four walls of church.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭12‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/114/eph.6.12.NKJV

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.””
‭‭John‬ ‭8‬:‭12‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/114/jhn.8.12.NKJV

“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”
‭‭John‬ ‭1‬:‭4‬-‭5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/114/jhn.1.4-5.NKJV

“He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91‬:‭15‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/114/psa.91.15.NKJV

All the religious doctrines of man that I had, made God’s voice of no effect in my real life crisis.

“making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.””
‭‭Mark‬ ‭7‬:‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/114/mrk.7.13.NKJV

*title inspired by Casting Crowns, the writing inspired by parts of my story. Casting Crowns paint this so beautifully in their song “Does Anybody Hear Her.”